3AM



on the three am
it can be hard to pull the dark out of its kiss with the light
it can all be a tempest; swirling 
making it hard to see through those bleary eyes
what's what.

which is real. which is the illusion.

you share your room with you sister 
so you've learned to cry quietly.

the moonlight asks you questions,
or is that just the clash of swords
behind your forehead:

who are you?
who are you?
who are you?




and your heart is a canary
in your chest's collapsing 
coal mine

hurricane head, child. 
oh, you're such a mess. 

on the four thirty am
it can be hard to answer that echoing voice that wants to know
what happened to the you 
you used to know.

sometimes its hard to know who you are,
when everything is so loud upstairs.
when the moonlight becomes venom. 

sometimes you just need to know
who you aren't

you pretty, messy, bleary eyed child. let me tell you.




you are not
those voices

you are not
the fear

you are not
the darkness dripping down from your bedroom ceiling

you are not
the sick feeling in your stomach

you are not 
alone

you are not 
abandoned

you are not
invisible

you are not
unloved

you are not 
unspoken for




it hurts on the five am. when the shy sun flushes the hills pink. 
when you're the only one awake, tangled up in those sweaty sheets

when you hear your momma get up to make the coffee
and you think about your parents 
and you wish you were better,
and you wish you were better for them,
or that things were how they used to be.

oh, love. they love you. they love you. they love you.

and i love you.

and someone far brighter than the sun is reaching through that window 
to fill up those cracks in your heart with kisses. with life.

you are not
unnecessary

you are
essential, child.
essential.






lOVE,
kATE

12 comments:

  1. always something we need to be reminded of. <3

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  2. this was just...wow. thank you

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  3. so important and needed <3 thank you for writing this.

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  4. Your words have an immeasurable amount of power. I love them.

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  5. This is so breathtaking, Kate!

    You are so breathtaking!

    Frick, I'm crying <3

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  6. *slowly tears fill my eyes* thanks you for writing this. <3
    -Faith

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  7. I needed this today. Thank you. 💙

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  8. I am amazed by this. It's hard to put into words. Sometimes you think you're the only one battling demons at night that only exist in your head; thank you for writing about this. We're not the only ones. I love your metaphors; they are so poignant and true. And the part about wishing you could be better for your parents--how many times have I wished that even recently? Thank you for this; I'm going to save it and read it many times. : )
    <3 Hannah

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