less >














I want to be
more than I am right now,

I want to be
more.

Sitting here at my kitchen table
thinking about how
I really should get some sleep
so I can wake up early
and
run
and
try to eat good
so I can
smile,
and
do it all over again.

I have dreams of

being more
doing more
letting go

But then all I seem to do is
stare at a screen
and

unwind

(whatever that means)

feeling like maybe there's meaning somewhere
and I'm just not grasping it.

I
come home
I
fall asleep
I
wake up
I
go to work

I keep going because that's what we do.

I, I, I

I'm tired.

Tired of me
tired of trying
tired of not dancing with my God.

A month ago
maybe more
I
made a list

A manifesto
Notes and plans and goals to live by
"The best me now"

It was a solid plan, I would
write more
run more
eat less.

Wouldn't I be perfect?

But I'm bruised.

Every dirty word
Every hollow thought
Every second I don't spend with You scratches
at the tender, inside lining of my skull

reminding me

I'm not perfect
and I never will be.

There's a verse in John that talks about

L I F E
to the
F U L L.

But I seemed only to want that life if it was
F U L L
of myself.

Yes, I could do it
I was sure
I
would just pack
more into my days
(but not my frame)
and finally

"reach my full potential."

I would have the life
I'd always wanted
and more;
I'd have
control.

There would be no mistakes,
only victories
and I would be better.
I'd have kept my list.

I like lists, yes
but
lists are cold
and lists are cruel
and lists don't offer you a warm hug of grace when you're scraping a spoon at the bottom of a bowl of frozen yogurt,
failing yourself
again.

No
Now

I need to be held
I need to be spoken to softly
I need to remember that there is more to life than the girl I am

and the girl I am not.

To feel the weight of this truth thundering in my heartbeat:

I am known
and I am loved
not because I know,
and not because I love.

To hide myself in the Spirit
so much stronger,
the very life itself.

I want to be
less than I am right now,

I want to be
less.

~ erin

28 comments:

  1. This was SO beautiful, Erin - your words are powerful. I loved this. Sometimes it's so hard to remember that we can't do things without His strength. Thank you for this wonderful reminder!

    ~ Savannah
    scattered-scribblings.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! I'm so glad you liked it. He is breaking me down so He can build me up, but it is beautiful. It is better. :)

      Delete
  2. I AM SAVING THIS POST FOR ALL OF ETERNITY. I adored this.
    #1. It was poetically stunning. Every word flowed together as though it was the worlds most profound song. It was pleasant to look at and lovely to hear.
    #2. The message of it was one that I am still learning right now, and IT WAS POWERFUL. The line that spoke to me the most was:

    But I seemed only to want that life if it was
    F U L L
    of myself.

    That is an amazing line. We lean on our own understanding, ifnoring the fact that we need Him to have our true potential be reached. He wants to give us the most amazing life, all we have to do is l e t g o of the things that we hold tightly to our chest, believing that they are harmless little imperfections. When in reality, we need to turn EVERYTHING over to Him. He can make us shining if we lean upon Him and let ourselves be held by the Creator who loves us unfailingly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, that means a lot!! When I wrote it, it just flowed out, so I would have to say that was all the Lord! Poetry usually doesn't flow out of me unless God's writing it, LOL And I LOVE the last paragraph of your comment....I lean on myself so much. I'm learning that it's ok to fall into His arms. I don't have to be strong!

      Delete
  3. "Every dirty word
    Every hollow thought
    Every second I don't spend with You scratches
    at the tender, inside lining of my skull

    reminding me

    I'm not perfect
    and I never will be."


    This whole thing just speaks to me so much. I jokingly call myself a recovering perfectionist, but it's just so hard some days, you know?? To stop looking inside myself for strength and start looking to Him. Beautiful words, Erin, really, truly beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I am learning to lean on Him for strength right now, so much! It's a lesson I've had to learn before. I keep trying to be good enough, strong enough, but no....haha. It's better to rest in grace. :)

      Delete
  4. oh my goodness, tell me about it. oh. how we ache and ache, but we try to fill that ache ourselves. to sit on the Throne of our lives and to rule everything as if we knew what we were doing. and that green garden of our life starts to brown and we realize that we were never a great ruler.

    because when you taste Goodness...when you taste that Living Water --

    oh.

    you cannot go back. you see the garden failing. this doesn't fill that ache anymore.

    and when you step off that throne and give it to God and let God fill you up, that garden thrives. it turns green. goodness. oh. man. i know. only He is enough. let it be.

    let it be so.

    xx cally

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You put it so well - we were never a great ruler. We never made great gods! It's so odd, in this performance-based world I always think that failing and being weak are bad things, but that's where God LIKES for me to be :D Thanks for commenting!

      Delete
  5. This is exactly what I have been feeling lately. You seriously pierced my heart with those beautiful words. GAH I'm sharing this. ♥♥♥

    ~Megan<333
    (megans-journals.blogspot.com)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Praise God! Thank you Megan! I appreciate it. :)

      Delete
  6. Amen. This is absolutely my life right now.

    You aren't alone, sweet sister, I feel the same way.

    With love and all joy,
    Allie D.
    www.alliesblogdesigns.blogspot.com
    www.friendlovesatalltimes.blogspot.com
    www.sincerelyallied.blogspot.com
    www.spreadingmyjoy.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! It's nice to know I'm not the only one. Sometimes it feels like everyone else is bullet proof, but we're all weak. And in that, we are strong!

      Delete
  7. Ahhhhhh LOVE!! So with you on this!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Um, wow. Seriously, you just described me. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you can relate!! Thanks for commenting Jessica!

      Delete
  9. heart through the paper shredder in a good way kinda words right there ♥ again, can't even tell you how much these words are diamonds, erin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Katie! Thanks so much for allowing me to be a part of Burning Youth! :)

      Delete
  10. This is just amazing, Erin. Oh my goodness, I feel this so much right now. <3 I need to like, tattoo this to the inside of my eyelids okay. BEAUTIFUL.

    -Amanda @ Scattered Journal Pages

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ohhhhh, wow. This is so raw, real... you are astronomically amazing. I don't even know what to say.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Powerful words, Erin. *hugs*


    storitorigrace.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  13. ...Wow, Erin.

    I honestly cannot put into words how much I love this post, how deeply that I can relate to it. You are such a beautiful soul and I feel so honored to know you. Thank you so much for sharing this. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are the sweetest! This comment made me smile so much! You are just the bomb. Thank you for your kindest of words, Grace Anne!

      Delete

Instagram