dreaming /// i'm not there yet

I want to be a midwife.
That's my dream.
I want to travel overseas and care for those
That will not survive otherwise.
That's my dream.


It always was something like that:
I wanted to help. I wanted to make a tangible difference because
I knew not everyone had what I had.
Most had much less.
Too much less, so they were dying
From lack of food and water.
And then i learned that some die from the pain
Women, in childbirth,
When it doesn't work.
They die.


My dream is to change that. I can see it:
Lines of mommas wrapped up in shawls, calling out in
Native tongue at the small children playing at their feet, dust
Everywhere, dirty feet, perfectly smooth
Round bellies with heartbeats inside,
Smiles, "how are you feeling?"
"Are you excited?"


And then the pain that they forget the moment that
first breath comes,  
Wet, red baby screaming from squinty face and squinty eyes
Momma reaching for the tiny human that she made, awe on her face,
When she sees the entirety of her work laid in her arms.


This is my dream.
And I'm not living it.


There will be a day
In the future
Maybe tomorrow
Maybe today
Maybe its years down the road.


But you will become acutely aware
Of the fact that you
Are not living your dream
And you know what it is.


When you close your eyelids, its dances on the backs of them
Tinged with red light around the edges.
You've pasted it there to watch while you slumber.


I'm sitting on my floral couch.
The big windows of my living room feel
A bit like the windows of my world.
Fog creeps down the sugar coated mountain, through the white evergreens
Obscuring every view, every distance.
I can't see past the fence of my backyard,
Painted white from snow
Descended in the night.


I can't see into the future.
I hope - I think - the mountains are there, just like
I hope - I think - that one day I will be a midwife.
Technically I've started the journey, but
I am acutely aware that I'm not there yet. I haven't arrived.


I want to say this:
Sometimes chasing your dream means handing them over to
The star-breather.
And letting Him dream for you.
Sometimes it means that He blindfolds you and says
'Trust me'.


Dreaming, oh, dreaming is beautiful.
Dreaming to soundtracks and songs that make your heart
turn into the kick drum from
Imagine Dragons,
Seeing stars in the best possible way,
High on winter frost and airplan-wing-up-in-the-air pictures,
Strange food and scraping cash together for the next chunk of gas money.


Dreaming of new life, the gasp of air,
The shaking hands, the relief of labor not being wasted.
The screaming, tiny humans being lifted into mother's arms,
And the smiles and the tears that come after.
The love.


I'm dreaming of what I want to do.
I want to be a midwife.
But what I'm doing right now is not that.
I'm waiting, and I'm working (because as much as I hate it, life costs money),
I'm figuring out how to measure things in centimeters with my fingers,
How to give applicable advice, how to listen,
How to be kind,
How to know what I need to know,
Chasing down scholarships and information, filling out applications and then
Re-filling them out because they weren't right the first time.
I spend late nights getting to the end of the chapter in the
childbirth education book by bribing myself with Spotify and Instagram.
I'm sitting here waiting,
Blindfolded,
Quieted breath
Fog caressing my snow globe living room.


And I am reminded of the fact that
I must be resolute.
I must be strong.
For I know who holds my dreams
I know who gave them to me in the first place.
I know Him and He guides my steps even when they don't make sense;
I know.


I am reminded that even in my resoluteness there will be uncertainty.
It won't make sense.
He tends to take the path of most resistance
Of most faith
The one that passes over water and through wilderness,
Through crowds of angry people
Through desolation and emptiness and exhaustion.
In resoluteness there will be uncertainty.
And in uncertainty may we find resoluteness.


My dreams are different than most:
Catching babies and measuring bellies
And watching families be made.


My dreams are different but they're there,
Pasted to the backs of my eyelids.
Blinking, they flash before me.


The fog clears a bit from the windows.
I can see the mountains now.
Perhaps the wait will not be so long.
Perhaps I will not be dreaming, soon.

6 comments:

  1. I LOVED THIS SO MUCH I CANT EVEN PUT IT INTO WORDS <3

    Keep on keeping on, Sami <3

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  2. You have a beautiful dream. Never give up on it. <3

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  3. I love this so much wowowowowow. <3<3<3

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  4. SO MUCH RESPECT FOR YOUR DREAMS, GIRL. <3 You chase it.

    Also Imagine Dragons. YAAAS. ;)

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  5. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH AND I WANT TO CRY BECAUSE IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND MOVING AND TOUCHING AND INSPIRING ASDFGHJKL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    You're going to be so amazing, Sami! You already are!

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  6. OH MYYYYY WORDDDDD. i never ever thought i'd find somebody else with such a passion just like mine!!!! This explains me in every way....YOU ARE AMAZING LIKE YOU PUT IT INTO WORDS!!!!! Midwifery has been my passion, for as long as I can remember, catching babies and measuring bellies and watching families grow <333 Like wow, I'm still speechless. <333

    ReplyDelete

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