when the feelings show up

the earth was whirling past me
taking people and things
hopes and dreams.

my heart kept breaking before it had time to feel.
Feel the hurt
grief
sadness;

It was survival mode.
I would wake up and ask God what was next-
what crappy thing was going to happy today.

and then it would happen
something else would shake my stable, loving, 13 year old life.
and it was added to the pile.

The pile of sucky feelings that I didn't let myself process.

until one day, God let me feel.
He opened up those things right when everyone else had started mending.

and
I.
Freaked.
Out.

it was confusing and painful.
serious and sad.

           It was real, grown-up grief.

and through my tears,
I convinced myself that this pain was my own.
my fault.
my problem.
Between me and God.

I didn't keep talking.
I just let my sadness cloud grow.
Constantly hanging over me.

it's been three and a half years of separation from that deep darkness.
I know that I am a feeler, but I now know how to feel in a healthy way.
I know that depression is something I may always struggle with.
you know what?
It doesn't control me.
It doesn't define me.
   Because even though I will walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.
    I have hope.
         Hope that this is not my home.
              Hope that I am most certainly not alone.

Today, may you know that you are a loved child of the King.
Know that it may hurt, but that you are not alone in your pain.
Know that no matter what
nothing
nothing
nothing
is bigger then our God.

xoxoxo,
-elissa