when the feelings show up


the earth was whirling past me
taking people and things
hopes and dreams.

my heart kept breaking before it had time to feel.
Feel the hurt
grief
sadness;

It was survival mode.
I would wake up and ask God what was next-
what crappy thing was going to happy today.

and then it would happen
something else would shake my stable, loving, 13 year old life.
and it was added to the pile.

The pile of sucky feelings that I didn't let myself process.

until one day, God let me feel.
He opened up those things right when everyone else had started mending.

and
I.
Freaked.
Out.

it was confusing and painful.
serious and sad.

           It was real, grown-up grief.

and through my tears,
I convinced myself that this pain was my own.
my fault.
my problem.
Between me and God.

I didn't keep talking.
I just let my sadness cloud grow.
Constantly hanging over me.

it's been three and a half years of separation from that deep darkness.
I know that I am a feeler, but I now know how to feel in a healthy way.
I know that depression is something I may always struggle with.
you know what?
It doesn't control me.
It doesn't define me.
   Because even though I will walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.
    I have hope.
         Hope that this is not my home.
              Hope that I am most certainly not alone.

Today, may you know that you are a loved child of the King.
Know that it may hurt, but that you are not alone in your pain.
Know that no matter what
nothing
nothing
nothing
is bigger then our God.

xoxoxo,
-elissa


27 comments:

  1. "It doesn't control me.
    It doesn't define me."

    ^^ anthem. wow.

    supernova fighter, this is golden and so are you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is beautiful, Elissa. love love love. Keep fighting, girl.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are a WARHEAD, indeed, Elissa <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. Replies
    1. *is totally flattered and humbled*
      xoxoxo

      Delete
  5. This is BEAUTIFUL. I've been there, I've felt this... you write it so well. Hard realism, and buoyant hope. <3 so much love for this.

    (also, on a boring-writer-details note, I LOVE your strategic indentations!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you thank you thank you!! I am so so happy you connected with it! We are not alone!
      xoxoxo

      Delete
  6. This is beautiful! I have always known this, but it's a great reminder!:)
    -Emma-

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Emma! Let's keep reminding eachother!!

      Delete
  7. <3 <3 <3 Keep writing! And most of all, keep fighting. Your reminder was what I needed today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love back at ya!! Know you're not alone, and we are fighting together!!

      Delete
  8. This is so beautiful. I can't even process words to describe how lovely it is :')

    ReplyDelete
  9. This was incredible, Elissa, and so inspiring. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so happy you connected!! Thanks for dropping by!
      xoxox

      Delete
  10. Elissa, I can't describe to you how hard this hit home. I struggle with depression as well and I'm going through a really hard time, I've been trying to hold onto God through it but I haven't been doing so well. Today, though, I feel He's telling me just to rest in Him, and it feels wonderful. Your words helped as well, so thank you.

    -T.
    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tane--
      Thank you SO MUCH for being vulnerable and honest about this. I'm so glad you are able to feel our Daddy's love, and rest in that. Know that you are so not alone, and so so loved!!

      Delete
  11. Elissa. I feel this so hard. It sounds like you were talking about my life a couple months ago. I'm praising Jesus because he pulled me out :)

    Thank you so much for sharing this. Really touched me. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad you could relate to my words!
      Thanks for sharing Aaliyah- know how loved and special you are!

      Delete
  12. we are not alone.


    what a phrase that I wish I could make everyone hear! Beautiful words!

    -JacyRayn xx

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is simply beautiful! Such precious words. Thanks, Elissa. (:

    - Emily @ forthebookish.com

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dear, I like your blog very much, I can get many useful information. Hope that we can communicate with each other. By the way, have you ever used clone partition to ssd ? Unfortunately I lost my partition. I do not know how to do.

    ReplyDelete

Instagram