these days have been hard, lately. they've been a war between truth and this anxiety - what is real? what is not? constant.
people keep asking me how things are going and i struggle with 1. putting words together, and 2. how real the words should be.
but 1. if i could put the words together, and 2. if the words were really real, they might sound something like
my name is Not Okay today, the battle between me and my brain is located on the corner of Scraped Up and Why, and it's all feeling a little pointless, and i don't know what i'm doing with my life right now, and i don't know where i'm going - i don't even remember how i got here - and i'm not very good with words, and i'm not very good with relationships, and there are a lot of can'ts in my life at the moment, and it's all very draining, and not very fun, and not something i like doing on my own but isolation is marketed as "More Forgiving! Easy Peasy! Perfect!" by My Brain™ and so i allow the distance even though i don't like it and i don't know how to stop it, and,
it's hard fighting yourself, day in and day out, without running out of breath,
and maybe, you do know. maybe your days have been heavy and hard lately, too.
maybe you've been having to fight your brain a lot lately, too.
spoiler alert: you're going to win this battle. it might take a little bit of time. but you will. you will, because 1. you are not alone, and 2. you are strong, and 3. you have a story to tell. these days aren't going to get the better of you, we won't allow that.
and i don't know if any of this makes any sense at all, my brain is messy: it makes transposing thoughts and words difficult.
but, you will make it out of today alive and well, and we'll tackle tomorrow when it gets here. we'll take this slow and steady. we'll be okay.
hope will try to slip out the kitchen window today, so follow it. trace it back to community and open air.
isolation and dark thoughts suffocate in sunshine and honesty and hands held high.
that's where we must take this battleground.
stay alive, friends. it's worth it. i promise.
[ now, listen to this ]